🚀 go-pugleaf

Off the Rails wrote

> Actually, I saw someone use it on alt.games.gangsters once. Before long,
it
> became the standard response to spam or crack requests. When we started
> getting arseholes like you in agx, I brought it over and it proved just as
> popular here. So now you know.

Inspired by the current situation involving the (killfiled) fuckwit and the
labourious efforts of our denizens, I hereby offer the following aid which
will greatly assist those of you wishing to taunt these unfortunate
individuals...

There are three parts which I've accumulated from various ng's over the
months, however, most of it orginated from the rec.humour ng;

1.  At-a-glance reference - no more having to wade through the entire post,
just check out Troll-O-Meter.


                     Troll-O-Meter �



   0    1    2    3    4    5    6    7    8    9    10

    *----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+----+-----*
                                                 ^
                                                ^ ^

--


2.  For the discerning denizen, we have the following form which includes
every possible answer required when replying to 'those difficult types'.
This comprehensive form includes every possible variation of wierdo you're
ever likely to encounter on Usenet, and comes complete with a wealth of
replies ranging from the concise to the downright abusive - great party
pieces!


                STANDARDIZED BONEHEAD REPLY FORM, Version 1.3c
                          (c) copyright 1999 by
                              someone else.

(check all boxes that apply)

Dear:

 [x] Clueless Newbie   [ ] Lamer         [ ] Flamer
 [ ] Loser             [ ] Spammer       [ ] Troller
 [ ] "Me too" er       [ ] Pervert       [ ] Geek
 [ ] Freak             [ ] Nerd          [ ] Elvis
 [ ] Racist            [ ] Fed           [ ] WaReZ D00D
 [ ] Fundamentalist    [ ] Satanist      [ ] Militia member
 [ ] Stereotypical AOLer                 [x] "Expert"
 [ ] Unbearably self-righteous person    [ ] Hypocrite
 [ ] IBM/Mac Bigot     [ ] Apologist     [ ] Revisionist
 [ ] Scientologist     [ ] Evolutionary Dead End

I took exception to your recent:

 [ ] Email   [x] Post to _de.talk.jokes_ et cetera.
 [x] "News" article

It was (check all that apply):

 [ ] Lame           [ ] Stupid         [x] Abusive
 [x] Clueless       [ ] Idiotic        [ ] Brain-damaged
 [ ] Imbecilic      [ ] Arrogant       [ ] Malevolent
 [ ] Contemptible   [ ] Libelous       [ ] Ignorant
 [ ] Nauseating     [ ] Stupid         [ ] Fundamentalist
 [ ] Boring         [ ] Dim            [ ] Cowardly
 [ ] Deceitful      [ ] Demented       [ ] Self-righteous
 [ ] Crazy          [ ] Weird          [ ] Hypocritical
 [ ] Loathsome      [ ] Satanic        [ ] Despicable
 [ ] Belligerent    [ ] Mind-numbing   [ ] Maladroit
 [ ] Assinine       [ ] Pointless      [ ] Annoying
 [ ] Much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you may be capable.



 Your attention is drawn to the fact that:

 [ ] You Spammed
 [ ] You defended someone who Spammed.
 [x] You doubtlessly violated the Terms of Service of your ISP
 [ ] You posted what should have been emailed
 [ ] You obviously don't know how to read your newsgroups line
 [ ] You obviously know nothing about the topic at hand
 [ ] You are trying to make money on a non-commercial newsgroup
 [ ] You are placing your profits above fundamental ethics
 [ ] You self-righteously impose your religious beliefs on others
 [ ] You self-righteously impose your racial beliefs on others
 [ ] You made a blanket statement without backing it up
 [ ] You made unwarranted assumptions
 [ ] You posted a "news article" without bothering to do basic research
 [x] You posted a binary in a non-binaries group
 [ ] You don't know which group to post in
 [ ] You made a post and didn't say anything
 [ ] You posted something totally uninteresting
 [ ] You crossposted to *way* too many newsgroups
 [ ] I don't like your tone of voice
 [ ] You are the reason some groups are moderated
 [ ] You posted in HTML
 [ ] You used the phrase "Information Superhighway"
 [ ] You cannot recognize sarcasm
 [ ] You made an error and blamed someone else
 [ ] You flamed someone for a spelling error.
 [ ] And you misspelled something in the process
 [ ] What you posted has been done before.
 [ ] Not only that, it was also done better the last time.
 [ ] You quoted an *entire* post in your reply
 [ ] You quoted nothing, so nobody knows what you refer to
 [ ] You started a long, stupid thread
 [ ] You continued spreading a long stupid thread
 [ ] Your post is absurdly off topic for where you posted it
 [ ] You posted a followup to crossposted robot-generated spam
 [ ] You posted a URL that had nothing to do with the subject header
 [ ] You posted a "test" in a discussion group rather than in alt.test
 [ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
 [ ] You posted low-IQ flamebait
 [ ] You posted a blatantly obvious troll
 [ ] You followed up to a blatantly obvious troll
 [ ] You said "me too" to something
 [ ] You posted a "FAQ" that contains deliberately misleading information
 [ ] You make no sense
 [ ] Your sig/alias is dreadful
        [ ] It contains stupid song lyrics
        [ ] It contains a stupid "witty" quote
        [ ] It contains worthless ASCII graphics
 [ ] Your sig is longer than the body of your message
 [ ] You posted a phone-sex ad
 [ ] You posted a stupid pyramid money making scheme
 [ ] You claimed a pyramid-scheme/chain letter for money was legal
 [ ] You argued that spamming was legal, even though nobody claimed it
wasn't
 [ ] Your margin settings (or lack of) make your post unreadable.
Each line
just goes on and on, not stopping at 75 characters, making it
hard to
read.
 [ ] You posted in ELitE CaPitALs to look k0OwL
       [ ] You failed
             [ ] Miserably
 [ ] You posted a message in ALL CAPS, and you don't even own a TRS-80
 [ ] Your post was FULL of RANDOM CAPS for NO APPARENT REASON
 [ ] You ended a sentence with more than one ! or ?
       [ ] and also put a blank before them
 [ ] You referred to the Usenet Cabal (There is no Cabal)
 [ ] You attempted a deliberate invocation of Goodwin's Law
 [ ] You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of this newsgroup.
 [ ] You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the Internet.
 [ ] You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of email
 [ ] You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of communication
 [ ] You are a loser.
 [ ] This has been pointed out to you before.
 [ ] You believe O.J. Simpson is guilty
 [ ] You have a direct genetic link to:
        [ ] Sanford Wallace
        [ ] Phil Lawlor
        [ ] John Grubor
             [ ] Walter Rines
             [ ] Zach Everett
             [ ] Steven Boursy
        [ ] ___other___
 [ ] You are one of the scuzzwipes from:
        [ ] the Woodside Literary Agency
             [ ] the Copy Cat Shop
 [ ] You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally
     worthless that you are being flamed on general principles.
 [ ] You used 8-bit characters and forgot the appropriate MIME-Headers


It is recommended that you:

 [x] Get a clue
 [ ] Get a life
 [ ] Go away
 [ ] Grow up
 [ ] Act something close to your age
 [ ] Never post again
 [ ] Smoke less of what you are smoking
 [ ] Consider how low the tolerance on the Internet is for Spam
 [ ] Become Sanford Wallace's love slave
 [ ] Read every newsgroup you posted to for a week
 [ ] stop reading Usenet news and get a life
 [ ] stop sending Email and get a life
 [ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
 [ ] Have your medication adjusted
 [ ] Go to the top of a building and attempt to defy gravity
 [ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
 [ ] find a volcano and throw yourself in
 [ ] get a gun and shoot yourself
 [ ] poke your eye out with a stick
 [ ] Actually post something relevant
 [ ] Read the FAQ
 [ ] stick to FidoNet and come back when you've grown up
 [ ] Apologize to everybody in this newsgroup
 [ ] Do not attempt to apologize to everybody in this newsgroup
 [ ] Attempt to win this year's Darwin Award
 [ ] Do not pass along yout genes
 [ ] consume excrement
 [ ] consume excrement and thus expire
 [ ] Perform solitary sexual congress
 [ ] Post your tests to alt.test/misc.test
 [ ] Put your home phone number in your ads from now on
 [ ] Don't bother getting a new account when this one is pulled
 [ ] Refrain from posting until you have a vague idea what you're doing
 [ ] Read all RFCs and memorize them


 In Closing, I'd Like to Say:

 [ ] You need to seek psychiatric help
 [ ] Take your gibberish somewhere else
 [ ] *plonk*
 [ ] Learn how to post or get off the usenet
 [ ] Learn the purpose of email
 [ ] Take a basic economics course and learn the costs of UCE
 [ ] Go back to school and actually learn something
 [ ] Your mother wears army boots
 [ ] You are possibly the most annoying person currently alive
 [ ] _____other______
 [ ] Most of the above
 [ ] All of the above
 [ ] Some of the above, not including All of the above
 [x] You are so clueless that I didn't even bother filling in this form.


------------------end "standardized form"----------------------------

3.  The Insta-ascii (tm) Non-verbal Summary.

    For those 'I can't be arsed' moments, when a gesture says a thousand, or
in this case, two, words.

                                      _
                                    /'_/)
                                  ,/_  /
                                  /    /
                            /'_'/'   '/'__'7,
                        /'/    /    /    /"  /_\=
                       ('(    '    '     _~/'   ')
                        \                 '     /
                         '\'   \           _.7'
                           \              (
                             \             \


Gentlemen, feel free to pick yourselves off the floor at any time.

Thank you

<bows>