🚀 go-pugleaf

Remember, years ago, when it was popular for hospitals, libraries and the like
to send a delinquent customer a notice that starts out:

"Hello, this is the hospital's computer.  Your account is overdue....
[pay up] or else I will tell a human, who will take further action"

Well, here's a real "winner" I got from a college in 1984, when I was a
high school senior.  It was printed on manilla card stock, all CAPS,
with that horrible uneven cheap-line-printer quality.  Keep in mind
that this wasn't the sixties, it was 1984!!

[START]

NMX5	7305


DEAR DAVID,

I AM THE IBM SYSTEM/34 COMPUTER LOCATED IN THE CLASSROOM OF
BRYAN INSTITUTE.  I AM A VITAL PART OF YOUR LIFE, AS COMPUTERS
ARE LOCATED IN EVERY MAJOR INDUSTRY.  THEY MAKE YOUR AIRLINE
RESERVATION, THEY BILL YOU FOR YOUR INSURANCE, THEY KEEP YOUR
ACCOUNT AT A BANK, THEY MAKE STUDIES OF YOUR MEDICAL HISTORY,
AND THEY HELP PUT AMERICA ON THE MOON FIRST.  YES, I AM A VITAL
PART OF EVERYONE'S LIFE TODAY.

I CAN FIND SOLUTIONS TO MATHEMATICAL PROBLEMS ALMOST INSTANTLY.
FOR EXAMPLE, I CAN CALCULATE 2 TO THE 50TH POWER FASTER THAN YOU
CAN MULTIPLY 45 X 9.  THE ANSWER FOR 2 RAISED TO THE 50TH POWER
IS 1,125,899,906,842,624.  IT TOOK ME LESS THAN SIX SECONDS TO
COMPLETE THIS CALCULATION.

THE ONLY REASON I AM NOT A LARGER PART OF YOUR LIFE, DAVID,
IS THAT THERE ARE VERY FEW PEOPLE TRAINED TO PROGRAM ME PROPERLY.
ONE REASON FOR THIS IS THAT THERE ARE VERY FEW PEOPLE THAT HAVE
THE APTITUDE TO PROGRAM ME.  CONSEQUENTLY, THE DEMAND FOR COMPUTER
PROGRAMMERS IS VERY LARGE AND IS GROWING EVERY DAY.

BECAUSE WE ARE AN ACCREDITED MEMBER, NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF TRADE
AND TECHNICAL SCHOOLS, OUR STUDENTS ARE ELIGIBLE FOR FEDERAL LOANS
AND GRANTS.  WE ARE ACCEPTING A LIMITED NUMBER OF APPLICANTS
FOR OUR 1984 CLASSES.

THE INFORMATION THAT HAS BEEN SUPPLIED TO ME AS A COMPUTER SAYS
THAT YOU HAVE FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL THIS YEAR. DAVID,  THIS MEANS
THAT YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE FOR THE PELL GRANT.  THE PEOPLE WHO
PROGRAM ME WILL BE HAPPY TO SUPPLY YOU WITH MORE INFORMATION
ABOUT THIS FEDERAL ASSISTANCE PROGRAM.

IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A PROGRAM THAT IS FASCINATING AND FINANCIALLY
REWARDING, NOW IS THE TIME TO DISCOVER A CAREER THAT CAN BE BOTH
TO YOU.  THE DEMAND HAS NEVER BEEN GREATER FOR COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS
THAN IT IS TODAY.

				OVER

FIND OUT TODAY IF YOU HAVE A FUTURE IN COMPUTERS, RETURN THE

ABOVE CARD TO ME, AND I WILL PROVIDE YOU, WITHOUT CHARGE,

THE PROGRAMMER APTITUDE TEST.

					SINCERELY YOURS,

				THE IBM SYSTEM/34 COMPUTER

[END]

Ain't that the biggest joke you've ever seen??  Computers, in the present
tense, help put america on the moon first?  Six seconds to do that lousy
math problem?  (my overpriced-garage-door-opener apple ][+ with apple pascal
did it in 0.6 seconds!)  Yeah, no kidding they need more talented programmers!!

I sent back the card telling them that any good programmer would laugh
his head off and definitely wouldn't consider attending their school.

					little david